I don't wanna live my life, too many sleepless nights... I'm walking away from the troubles in my life...

My Bloody Valentine- All The Time In The
World

Your theme song is mellow and spirited, perfect for
a long day of relaxing. You know how to slow
down and enjoy life for what it is, without
getting stuck on the past or worrying about the
future - good for you! Sometimes people may see
you as lazy, but they'll never get the same
pleasures out of life as you do.

What's Your Theme Song?
brought to you by Quizilla

Haha… ok… erm… I dono wat 2 say… haha… slowing down is so not Singaporean… haha… but ya… sumtimes I slow down… esp during my studies… haha… I take tings slow… without getting stuck in d past or worrying about d future? Well… ya… true… I moved on wif life despite sum terrible past… I learned frm my mistakes… but sumtimes I juz feel like I hv 2 look back @ d past nw n den… 2 relive dose lovely memories… I don’t reali care abt d future rite nw… honestly… I juz live 2dae n tink abt 2dae n not worry abt tml… juz care abt 2dae… dats wat I wanna do in my life rite nw… tired of tinking… my brain needs a rest… haha… pple c me s lazy? Dat 1 I dono… wat do u guys tink eh? M I lazy? Haha… newayz… lets get back 2 d real deal here…

Saturday (February 28):

did I say dat I wld wake up @ 8 am 2dae? Haha… I woke up @ 9.42 am… shucks… everytime I told myself 2 wake up early I ended up waking up later… haiz… newayz… after dat I tidy up my bed… ate my brekkie… den wen 2 hv a shower… do d household chores… go 2 my aunt’s house 2 take food… den came back home… ooh n rite nw perfect 10 is playing I lay my luv on u by westlife… its 11.53 pm btw… hehe… long time no hear dis song… hehe… newayz… where was I? oh yeah… after dat I ate my lunch… den I voluntarily locked myself up in my rm… turned on d aircon n study my IEF… haiz… I dono how I will finish my IEF… I don’t mind dat I study my IEF cos I don wanna repeat dis dreaded module… n its not dat I hv confidence in my other modules… d whole thingy is I understand my other modules… but not IEF… I suck @ economics… newayz… after dat my dad came home… n its so nice of him… he bought me pisang goreng… yum yum… n den he put them nicely on a nice plate n brought me a drink 2 my rm… I was like… ok… he understood dat I was studying n I don wanna waste even a few minutes of getting up frm my seat n go 2 d kitchen 2 fetch myself sumting 2 eat… hehe… I m so lucky 2 hv n understanding daddy… luv my daddy… den after dat I ate my pisang goreng… den my daddy wen 2 d mama shop n bought me new paper… n handed me d new paper… erm… a sign 4 me 2 stop studying 4 a while… hehe… I read d new paper n boy oh boy… raul is so cute in a gladiator costume… yum yum… hehe… newayz… after dat I continued studying… den @ abt 7 pm… my mom came home wif a black face… nice job mom… u juz made my dae *roll eyes*… ya rite… she juz noe how 2 spoil a person’s dae doesn’t she… oh no wait… she juz noe how 2 get on my nerves… she kept on nagging n nagging n nagging… dat I did sumting rude… I noe its rude… I held out my hand 2 her n said dat I m studying so don’t bother me… oops… I noe its rude but its d onli way dat I can stop her frm nagging… aargh… den after dat she nagged again abt my rm… nw wat… 1st she wans 2 control my life nw she wans 2 control how my rm looks like… haiz… I reali reali dono wat 2 say… I tink after taking social psychology… I understand y my mom behaves d way she does… nw… dats d gd ting abt learning social psycho… u learn abt how pple behaves… so newayz… mayb she wans 2 take control of tings bcos she cant bear 2 c changes… she cant adapt 2 changes… n certainly she cant adapt 2 her one n onli child changing… so d onli way she can stop tings frm changing is controlling them… but I tink she 4gets 1 ting… she can control tings but she cant control 1 exceptional ting… FATE… so newayz… I continued studying n took a veri late dinner… n den continued studying… until nw dat is… I m halfway @ d second last chappie of IEF… luckily I studied d notes already so I kinda noe wat is in d second last chappie… I hv 2 stop dere however… cos tml I m going 2 spend d whole dae studying hrm… do I hv confidence in hrm… erm… I dono reali… cos I don go 4 d lectures… so… I dono how I will fare in dis module… juz hv 2 memorize d notes I guess… oops… newayz… its time 4 me 2 go 2 bed nw… my eyes r reali stoned nw… hehe…

Sunday (February 29):

2dae I woke up like 9.30 in d morning… n found my mom M.I.A… but I didn’t ask my daddy where she go… I juz kept quiet… read d new paper on Sunday… den I ate my roti prata… den while preparing my brekkie my daddy juz casually asked me whether I noe where my mom go… den I said I don’t noe… den I ask where did she go… den he said dat she wen 2 johor wif her rich fren… den he nagged abt my mom… she 1st said she had no money… den she asked me 2 save my money… use it wisely… like I don’t… but nvm abt dat… den he said abt my mom said dat 2 me but she herself don’t do wat she said… he said dat if she stay @ home say she tired lah… but once go johor… d word tired is like gone… sum more wif rich fren… den I juz smiled 2 myself n kept quiet… wat can I say… I don’t wanna break d family do I… so I juz kept quiet n ate my brekkie… den I wen n took a shower… den I helped my daddy mopped d floor… den I wen 2 my rm… locked myself up n study my hrm… omg… I cldnt even remember a ting abt hrm n so like scared dat I cant remember tml… I m like so panic rite nw… but newayz… I m going 2 go 2 sleep nw n pray hard dat I can ans d qns tml… n I hv absolutely no idea y tml’s paper start @ 8.30 in d morning… pple r like so sleepy in d morning… wah… cannot tahan sia… newayz… stop talking siti… u hv 2 go 2 sleep… haha…

Monday (March 1):

I woke up @ 6 in d morning… both my parents r not working cos dey hv 2 go 2 hdb 2 take d ownership cert thingy cos my daddy pay d house loan finish already… so dey r nw collecting d cert… n my parents told me dat d person dey talk 2 @ hdb was so surprised 2 c dem collect d ownership cert cos d person said its rare 2 c ‘young’ pple finish house loan already… not d apostrophes… haha… newayz… how was d hrm paper… well… its kinda ok lah… if I pass I heng ar… d last qn like sux big time… it was so hard… but newayz… I saw Vincent n my other frens like go so early… I panic sia… but in d end I wen off early oso… lucky I did… cos by d time I reach 2 take my bag d invigilator said 2 d other students… 10 minutes more no one is 2 leave d hall… I was like heng ar… haha… den after dat i met my parents @ d choa chu kang mrt station n wen 2 c my extended family… adopted one… my aunt… bcos she was admitted 2 d hospital one time n my parents don’t get 2 c her dere… so nw dat shes back we go n c her… n den she was kinda surprised 2 c me cos I onli c her once a yr n dat is during hari raya… haha… newayz… her daughter got lots of cats… n dey r so cute… 1 of dem like so pitiful I felt like crying… 1 of d cats is handicapped… yup… if u hvent heard of a handicapped cat… dere is 1… n do u noe dat cats hv diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems… yup… dey r like us humans… dey hv illnesses like dese… 1 of dem got constipation… haha… newayz… d handicapped one juz caught my eye… its so pitiful… it cannot walk properly… d hind legs cannot bend like normal cats… so it ended like sliding on d floor… but it can stand… wen I saw d cat… I felt like dis is god’s power… haiz… so newayz… on d way dere… I smsed Vincent abt d Liverpool draw against leeds… yup… Liverpool draw wif leeds… 2 – 2… haiz… owen is still not scoring… don’t noe wats wrong wif dat guy man… he lost his umph already… den my phone keeps beeping bcos he smsed I reply he sms I reply… so got a lot of beeping… hehe… newayz… my mom juz say dat if my hi card finish… I go n subscribe a line… hehe… waiting 4 it… newayz… after visiting my aunt we wen 2 jurong point 2 buy my slippers cos my mom kept on laughing… my slippers is close 2 spoiling… n it has dis irritating noise… so my mom bought me a new slippers @ MAD… nice lah… wen I wore it I felt like n Indian… hehe… n can u believe dat I m so close 2 searching d whole of jurong point juz 4… Johnson n Johnson baby oil… I noe I noe… I go like all over d place… ok so I exaggerate… I search @ ntuc… don’t hv… den I wen 2 guardian… lucky hv… hehe… I buy d baby oil 4 my veri big hair… haha… big s in… it kinda looks like a lion… haha… so den I wen home… den I locked myself in d rm again… n study my ief… I m so scared abt ief… I reali reali scared… I don’t noe y… I juz scared… I don’t noe how I will fare… I study but I don’t noe if I can remember… haiz… gd luck 2 me… I m going 2 sleep… tml is going 2 b doom’s day 4 me n my other frens…

Tuesday (March 2):

2dae sux… reali sux… I m so going 2 retake my test 4 ief already… I don’t hv my watch… n I m so lost without my watch… I almost hv nothing on my paper except 4 d scribbling on d paper… in pencil… wen my fren jia qing called one of d invigilators n asked 4 d time n she said 15 more mins left… I n my fren Samantha beside me panic like hell sia… I took my pen n wrote d ans… n I tink I scribble cos I panic like hell sia… I wrote wateva I can tink… n I tink I wrote crap… n d mcq is so difficult… omg… I reali don’t noe wat 2 say sia… I reali going 2 retake my test again… nw I hv 2 study 4 my test… gd luck 2 me… n dose who tink dey suck in d test 2… woo hoo! Haha… newayz… don’t tink abt ief already… nw hv 2 study 4 fmgt… lucky fmgt tml starts @ 4 p.m… still got so long 2 study… haha… n u noe wat I was tinking... or m tinking rite nw… I had a talk wif ting2… n she asked me whether I wan 2 tell vincent abt how I feel 4 him… n out of nowhere I just shot out yes… wat d hell was I tinking man… my mouth n my heart don’t seem 2 go along wif my mind 2dae… my mind said no… but my heart urge 2 tell him… shld I or shldnt I… I oso don’t noe… I m scared… scared abt how he will react… scared dat I will lose my frenship wif him… but my heart said dat I shld go 4 it… its betta dat I say it out… den I tot of juz putting it on my msn dat I like him… but dat wld probably b a bad idea even tho my cuzzin tinks it’s a gd idea… it’s a gd idea cos I don’t hv 2 tell him face2face n I wont noe how he reacts… bad idea cos i hv my other classmate in my msn… I hv Solomon jaslin jie qi Juliana n Cheryl in my msn… so if I put dat I like him on my nick… d whole world will probably noe… so I tink dat it’s a bad idea… so 4get it… den my cuzzin told me dat I shld tell him face2face… ya… sure… n wen will dat b… its not s if its ez dat I can hv a personal private 1-to-1 wif him… ok… so I m lying 2 myself… haha… I do hv a private 1-to-1 wif him… haha… so newayz… den I was tinking dat mayb I shld give d add 2 my diary… isn’t it like damn obvious 2 him… almost in all my entries got his name… so he shld noe once he clicked 2 any of d entries… so deres no need 4 me 2 say n he will noe how I feel 4 him already without me saying anyting… haiz… I reali dono lah… my cuzzin said dat if I scared 2 say face2face… I shld juz sms him n say dat I like him n c wat happens… I dono… wat do u tink eh… haiz… time 4 me 2 study my fmgt… stop tinking abt dis…

Wednesday (March 3):

2dae d fmgt like ok lah… I can do… I finish early… but I scared got lots of careless mistakes… den I die… haha… so I dono lah… newayz… I wen 2 skool… so Vincent… den he said he slept @ 3 am yesterday… or shld b dis morning… haha… so hes going 2 sleep @ 3 again cos he wan 2 watch Liverpool match… n I chided him saying dat blaw test is tml n still can watch… dono lah him… haiz… den on d way home… ting2 ask me if I like Vincent bcos of his smile… my ans is… I dono… it mite b d smile… but I cant pinpt 1 ting dat I like abt him cos I probably like everyting abt him even tho I noe hes not perfect… hes not my dream guy cos u wldnt wan 2 noe my dream guy… my dream guy is a cross b/w matt damon, victor Webster, tom welling, prince William, brad pitt, josh Hartnett, Orlando bloom, Elijah wood, keegan kang, all put in2 one… haha… nw dats my dream guy… haha… so newayz… mayb I like him bcos hes imperfect… dats y I like him… he has faults… he makes mistakes… deres times dat I felt like strangling him… cos he can b veri irritating sumtimes… so ya… mayb I like bcos of dat… haha… so I betta go nw n study my blaw… n laptop batt is damn low… hehe…

Thursday (March 4):

I AM SO DAMN ANGRY!!! VERI VERI VERI ANGRY!!! Do u noe wat happen? I finished early 4 blaw test… n I wen home straight away… I was in bus 985… 4 or 5 more bus stops 2 my house… frm sitting inside… I sat outside… bcos I noe I hv 2 get off any sooner… so if pple sit beside me on d outside… veri nuisance 4 dem mah… so I don’t wanna b a nuisance 2 anybody… so I sat outside… newayz… dis stupid middle-aged man wanted 2 sit… den he said excuse me… den I move… den he shouted n humiliated me in front of d whole bus n said u sit inside INSIDE!!! He scolded me!!! He tinks he wat… d grandfather of d bus or wat… my problem lah I wan 2 sit anywhere I wan… dis is a free country man… wat d hell is he tinking sia… I was so angry… I looked up @ him… take every single image dat I can tink of frm him… den b4 I say anyting vulgar 2 him… I calm myself down n sat inside… d whole ting was… if he wans 2 sit outside… deres 2 seats in front of me… EMPTY on d outside… n deres a guy sitting inside… u noe lah how pple wan 2 sit in d bus wif their own gender… so I was tinking y d hell he wan 2 sit wif me sia… den sum more he sit beside me den act big wif his hp… wat… he tinks hes d onli person in dis whole bus wif a hp… please lah… hes not onli rude sia… hes oso arrogant… wah… nw I noe wat is n ugly Singaporean… a veri gd example of n ugly Singaporean… den I was so veri angry @ him dat wen d bus reached my bus stop… I stood up n shouted until d whole bus can hear me… EXCUSE ME AR!!! Den he not juz move… he jumped off his seat literally… Bwahahahahahahahaha… I can b mean ok… den I stood @ d exit door… I turned ard n saw him… guess wat… still sitting @ his place outside… I hv d urge 2 juz shout @ him WHY U DON’T WAN 2 SIT INSIDE?! SIT INSIDE AR! SCOLD PPLE U URSELF DON’T DO DAT!!! COWARD!!! I hv d urge 2 do dat… but I didn’t… cos u c… I m not n ugly Singaporean like him… I empathize wif other pple… I don’t wan 2 humiliate other pple… I m a human… I can feel… not like him… a beast… oh wait… hes not a beast… hes worse den a beast… oh wait… a beast has a feeling… he no feeling ar… he cannot b n alien… cos I tink alien got feeling oso… he cannot b a ghost… I tink a ghost oso got feeling… haiz… I tink hes… JACKASS!!! Haha… I m so mean… but who cares… haha… he juz made my dae so bad… dat stupid man… if I c him again… I make sure I humiliate him like hell ar… haha… isn’t dere a William Shakespeare’s quote abt a woman scorned or sumting like dat? Dats how I feel rite nw… I betta not c him cos he mite not b able 2 live n c d dae… BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHA… ok stop it siti… u r scaring urself…

Friday (March 5):

I m feeling suicidal… I juz feel y m I still living in dis world… my cma test paper sux… I don’t even noe how 2 do d qns… I study but haiz… I reali dono lor… haiz… den after dat I was wondering y d hell did rashidah act quite strange… n I felt veri strange wen she told me dat she knew dat I wan 2 confess 2 vincent… den she had a talk wif me privately… den she told me dat out of all d positive side dat I got frm Vincent… dere r d negatives… she had a chat wif Vincent… n I hv 2 give a hand 2 rashidah 4 trying 2 tell it 2 me… its probably hard 4 her… I mean if its me… its hard 4 me 2… but I found dat Vincent doesn’t wan 2 date malay gurls… n d way he treated me is juz s a fren… n wen she asked y he treated me differently frm d rest… n his answer was dat I like Liverpool like him… so nw I m tinking whether I shld confess or not… n I noe u guys mite b wondering how I was feeling wen I heard dat… it mite b surprising 2 sum… it b shocking 2 sum s well… but… I don’t feel anyting @ all… I felt… nothing… like I got anesthetic or sumting… but I did feel thankful 2 rashidah… thnx my fren… I m grateful 4 dat… den after dat we wen 2 orchard… den we were hapi hapi… den wee kiong called ting2… n said dat me, ting2 n 2 other classmates failed our ief test n we had 2 retake our ief test… ting2 was so sad… she felt like crying… while me… I hv no feeling… I guess I m not sad abt it… cos I m mentally prepared 2 take a retest anyway… I m oso not hapi cos I feel so stupid n hopeless n dumb… so I dono wat I m feeling… den 2 add tings worse… my mom put n insult on my face… she scolded me saying dat I sit n home n study still fail… den she said I cant blame her cos she didn’t ask me 2 do any work @ home… 1st ting 1st… I didn’t blame her 4 being a failure… n 2ndly… she is d one who told me 2 do d housework… n if I didn’t do d housework… she will scold me n say dat I didn’t tink of her lah… neva tink abt other pple lah… neva tink dat she go home late n tired n need 2 do d housework sum more lah… n she said she didn’t ask me 2 do d housework… please lah… she called me during her lunch time wanting 2 noe if I hv done d housework… wat d hell man… n she said all dat 2 me… I dono if dats n insult 2 u… but dats a total insult 2 me… wen I heard dat I wen 2 d bathrm n cry… I dono y I live in dis world if she feels I m a burden 2 her… I mite s well juz kill myself n die… den I wont b a burden 2 her anymore… I M SO TIRED OF LIVING!!! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! Den 2 add matters worse… I wen on d net doing my social psycho project… den out of nowhere… Vincent said helo 2 me on msn… wen d window was blinking… n I saw his nickname… d 1st ting on my mind was sure got sum Liverpool ting he wan 2 tell me like houllier’s under attack by fans or dudek sux… or wateva lah… den wen i read n he wrote helo… I was like… not surprised… but more shocked… cos he rarely made d 1st move 2 chat wif me… n even if he did… itll b sumting abt Liverpool… so I was shocked… reali shocked… extremely shocked… n d fact dat I don’t feel like chatting wif him made me feel more bitter n guilty den eva… but I did neway… I said hi… den I saw his pic of his dog wen it is small named luk… hes cute wen hes small… but nw dat hes big… quite scary lah… look like a wolf… den I asked y his nick life is sick… den he said hes sian… den I said I m more sian… den he said u oso… den I said ya… den he asked y… den I said I had another fight wif my mom… dis time hes d 1st person 2 noe abt my prob… usually my best fren is d 1 who knew abt my prob b4 any1 else… dis time its him… haiz… den he said act like nth happen… he said d prob can solve… he told me 2 move out of d house… I said I wish I cld but I still luv my daddy… den he said he asked me 2 move out not abandon my daddy… I said I noe wat he mean… but I don’t hv d means… den all of a sudden I was crying again… den I told him dat I m crying… den he said don’t cry… den I said I m crying bcos I feel stupid n hopeless n dumb… den he said he is more worse den me… he said hes blur… den his studies is not gd… den he said his work sales not 2 good… den its my turn 2 comfort him… I said dat hes not blur… I tot of him s a smart guy… but he don’t believe me… he asked me 2 ask his fren… n its like s if I noe his fren… den we chat n chat n chat… until 2.30… den I wen off… honestly… dis is d 1st time I chatted wif him wif nothing abt Liverpool… but I still feel depressed… I m going 2 hv a sleepless nite 2nite… haiz… pray dat I will live… hv a sane mind… n not do anyting stupid… 2 myself in dis couple of wks…

Princess Siti Grint is feeling obsessed on 2004-03-06 at 11:10 p.m.

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